hi i am...

2005-06-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

wla lng, just last friday i mastered my ability of entertaining myself...alone...
another specialty tlga of mine is to make myself feel better in times of deep trouble,,,lam mo un whenever sumthing heavy comes up to me napakagaling ki gumawa ng mga pansariling istorya (lecheng mga tao sa paligid ang kukulit d ako mkpagconcentrate) para naman hindi ganon kababa ang pakiramdam ko....when it's all up to me either gagawan ko ng excuse ung mga taong may kagagawan or i will always end up believing that everyone is just putting up some big shit joke upon me para isurprise ako in the end na "hey everything's fine" ung parang ganon.,...joke llang nman n may prob. joke lng nila ,.,,,,iu can't finish this na dahil sa unceasing disruptions all around me so lemme just wrap it up...the thought.....I JUST LOVE AND ADMIRE THE WAY I CAN MAKE LAILA SMILE WHEN SHE'S SAD AND ALONE....astig db....

2005-06-22T04:23:00.000-07:00

aun just another welcoming for me...i used to curse d date jun14 2005...of course i've always appreciated my birthday but this time...i was anxious simply of reaching 18..../duh...legality age...give me a break. fear of this day started way back elem. bec. of a traumatic event in my life -- my parent's separation...back then, the deal is that i choose when i am 18,,, how could that be possible?i love them both, equally,, so much, and much as i do,never in the littlest way do i intend to hurt them in any way....that was why,,,,pero ewan when it goes on pala parang wla na lng din....u just got to ride life (cuz we hav no choice) and enjoy and try to laugh at every bump....at the moment honesty, i don't feel any special spark of me now being 18 (hopelessly romantic err?) except having someone new to share it wuth,....but that's not the intrapersonal deal i was looking for...obviously not...aun lng cguro the thought is to go on and on....on and on....

on and on, she just keeps on winning
and she smile when she feels like crying...
on and on....on and on....on and on
-excerpt from on&on na revive ni pido//4got the orig. artist

reaLity biTes...ouch!

2005-04-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

things aren't really always what they seem..tLga, Life's got pLenty of surprises coming each in very unique unexpected ways that sometimes you won't even have enough time to reflect 'bout one thing cuz the other's already there....piles and piles of things to ponder about,how shall humans rest at aLL? where's sunday huh?! minsan you thought you already knew tapos grabe the world change even faster than that speed of light, oftentimes nga hindi ako makahaboL...minsan nakakafrustrate when you beLieve in one thing then find out that it's a Lie...or it's not completely true yet and you think it so... ang guLo diba...there are too much surprises...ung way na nagdidiffer ang buhay natin sa iba...the way we experience situations in very different ways,,far from normaL..dati akaLa ko nakakatakot ang hindi normaL na relasyon, na pamiLya, na buhay, na philosopy pero i just realized that not being normal is the essence of our very existence kase nga diba we are created with our own free will and that's what makes us unique from others so therefore it is just right that we have even unique ways of Living...weird isn't it...not normaL..hehe but reaLLy fun...there's the thriLL nga diba...
anjan din nga yung taLk na u wake up one day seeing yesterday very far away and today a whole new world you don't even know how to live..ako nga i thought i know myself well...i thought i was good (ehem) haha LateLy reaLity bites me reaLLy hard para ipakiLaLa ako sa sariLi ko...that i don't know myself that perfect as i thought i do...bad din paLa ako i can't even believe i coud be so rude...funny at nakakaasar if u don't know urseLf weLL enough to defend yourseLf.. it's not love alone that moves in mysterious ways...Life here and there does

reaLity bites...ouch!

2005-04-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

no solo

2005-03-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

of course you've heard about the endless debate between the heart and the mind...anjan ang
"my head says go and find the door my heart says i found you" stuff...i just came to know that in this puzzly life i live now...to scribbled for me to even reflect about,, i've actually tried to conquer my heart and live by my mind, in practicality para mapakita sa mga tao na hindi ako talunan, that i'm a winner, to prevent myself from heartaches and expectations, i even refused to believe in romantic love movies and it actually works...oo somehow i was succesful in that life where i was a winner i decided to go for everything right para tama ang takbo ng buhay ko and believe me its super boring para kang nagpaint sa na white lang ang ink na ginamit mo habang white din ang tela...lifeless...no thrills..a winner without somebody to congratulate..i remember bob ong's story when he used to believe na kaya niyang mabuhay mag isa sa mall ng masaya until he realized how sad solitude is when he recieved and award in school with nobody to accompany him,,,swear akala ko minsan masarap din ang solitude but oh please take it away...life's too sweet for me alone...

I want somebody to share

Share the rest of my life

Share my innermost thoughts

Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side

And give me support

And in return

he'll get my support

he will listen to me

When I want to speak

About the world we live in

And life in general

Though my views may be wrong

They may even be perverted

he'll hear me out

And won't easily be converted

To my way of thinking

In fact he'll often disagree

But at the end of it all

he will understand me

I want somebody who cares For me passionately

With every thought andWith every breath

Someone who'll help me see things In a different light

All the things I detestI will almost like

I don't want to be tiedTo anyone's strings

I'm carefully trying to steer clear ofThose things

But when I'm asleepI want somebodyWho will put their arms around me

And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this

Make me sickIn a case like this

I'll get away with it

home?!

2005-03-13T04:15:00.000-08:00

just how do you sleep well without a home?
and how do you actually somehting a home...
this line..
"if you just can't find your way home" strucks me always...leaves me the question of where actually is home..
and proud am i to say that i'm on my way to look for it...over and over again..
guess what...i just got a new map...

on coincidences....

2005-03-04T00:04:00.000-08:00

i found out that sometimes, it is better not to expect or believe in fairy tales too much, para na din hindi ka masaktan....
to dwell in this belief one steps i've done is to not believe on fate or destiny too much, instead look at things as merely coincidences...
kase our tendency is to associate everything we see, hear, and feel as fate's way when actually, we just focus too much that we could easily associate everything with our feelings (kunyari nasa jeep ka may kinanta sa radio tapos naka-relate ka sasabihin mo patama e kahit ano namang kantahin don hahanap ka ng point na makakarelate ka eh),
pero lately i seem to lose this ability to make myself believe that such fate doesn't exists...i don't know if fate's proving that it actually exists or it's really the way fate must come my, rather our way...(or is it both) think about this...
*the last time i surfed the net the radio played now and forever...his favorite song to strum on the guitar
*way back november2003 when i was hurt (for the first time i broke up and it was not my fault), and i wanted so bad to talk to a boybud to seek for strentgh, kinanta pa yung never too far sa tv...i was crying really hard thinking about who to call when my phone rang and his number was on screen!
*when i moved here in manila my dorm is in pedro gil, the same street where he actually lives,
*i went home one time and just because i turned to the gate lumingon ako and saw him in his car passed by...
*i didn't used my sun cell sim although i purchased it long ago then one day i was convinced to use it, the next day somebody gave me his new number --sun cell
*everytime his relationship's on the coldest part we are close...
*we had the same message alert tone
*last christmas i accompanied a friend to her aunt's house with a heavy heart because of the thought that i won't see him in that street and later found out that he's in the opposite house!
*just last night i convinced my best bud to watch in Robinson's instead and watch million dollar baby instead of hangin' for HITCH..after the movie we went down through the escalator leading to a music store to which i gazed with the thought of him loving guitars, and guess what...he was actually there...so what i did was listen to the radio to ease myself from what happened then i switched into four different radio stations and they all played the song "now that you're gone" with lyrics like "i wish i never let you go"

i remembered several lines in the movie " a series of unfortunate events" saying...
there's always something
so i asked "anong meron"
the next songs was You'll be safe here...

but after all i still refuse to believe...hinihiwa na nga ng unti unti 'tong hawak ko sa cliff pinipilit ko pa ring kumapit....kasi coincidence lang lahat 'to...walang meron..

(andami pang iba kaya lang baka sabihin OA na yung compilation ...eto na yung pinakaironic sa collection...hehe believe me,, i didn't intend to collect such...)

carpe diem

2005-03-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

way babk 1st year high school in dbhs i remember the priests, every morning reiterating about "living our lives today as if we'll die tomorrow"...dati akala ko i live to this kind of principle...of enjoying the day doing all i know i should do....i used to hate people wasting time not doing what they ought to do and then later regreting what they haven't done...moreso, i hated those who wastes chances of loving..who let go of very rare chances...until i myself became one of them...i couldn't help thinking about how i've been rude...but it's not my point today...
isa lang...ang hirap magsisi...
i know a friend who have loved so much...c gen,kanina lang katext ko c arving ung taong mahal niya, who promised so much...maboka sobra,, then at the end just hurt her like that, i've nver seen my friend loved that much before and i know it was a great loss...good thing she's such a fighter (we all are)...i am just sad for arvin coz he didn't know the kind he just let go...he (unconciously?!) threw that love supposed to cradle him for a long time i know...a love so great offered to him...sinayang niya...sna lang hindi siya magsisi...

sa autograph ko nung elementary there was a picture of someone who's in the air, he just dove to a pool later realizing there were sharks...it says.."there's no turning back so be careful"

"Turn Back Time"

Give me time to reason,
give me time to think it through
Passing through the season,
where I cheated you

I will always have a cross to wear,
but the bolt reminds me I was there

So give me strength,
to face this test tonight

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night. For the night...

Claim your right to science
Claim your right to see the truth
Though my pangs of conscience,
Will drill a hole in you

I seen it coming like a thief in the night,
I seen it coming from the flash of your light

So give me strength,
to face this test tonight

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time..
I would stay for the night

The bolt reminds me I was there
the bolt reminds me I was there

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night

the radio just played now and forever .... :'(

if only you could hear me
i'll let you now how i miss you so
forgive me i was blind to see..
i was a fool to ever let you go
believe in me i want you to know
that i have realized there's no one else i'd rather be
but then i know that you have found yourself somebody new...
if only i could have another place and time...

how to give up...

2005-03-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

so often heard...giving up...
acads..too hectic this last 3 weeks, term papers, exams, reports, pre-reg.,deadlines, not to mention nagger moms!!! hmp...pardon me for that...just can't help it...anyway...how could you actually escape all these stress???!
lovelife- long awaited lovestory...sooo long awaites...paulit-ulit, "may iba na siya/masaya na siya/ pagod nako...I GIVE UP!...then you simply, actually don't...why so??hanggang salita ka lang palagi
friends- selfish wants, sacrifice, misunderstanding, bitin na feeling (xempre lovelife naman talaga ang hanap mo)...sawa nako senyo...chenes...like "friends, swear this won't happen again" ...then the cycle continues...the cycle....where's the end...(i'm sure madaming mamimisunderstood 'tong part na 'to)
family- total opposition of the two poles, this is me and that is you...parehong bida sa kaniya-kaniyang sarili..wlang magpapatalo...palagi na lang hindi magkaintindihan...ulam, channel, acads, friends, ideolohiya, damit, oras ng pgsimba...pangarap na kotse...lahat na...nakakasawang makipagtalo....paulit ulit lang...bilog ang mundo...at suko na 'ko...so tell me after all tireless fatigue...how do i actually give up? ayoko nung stupid stuff as suicide...how can i show people i give up?
bakit minsan kahit ayoko maging poser eh iba ang nakikita saken..tulad ko,lagi kasing msaya..nagbibro at tumatawa...paano kb kukuhit at sasabhin "oi seryoso na...?"
hindi ako poser dahil pangarap kong maging AKO sa pinakagenuine na form..pero pano??
paano ba sabhing ayko na nito iba naman...kunyari ang "i love you" = kiss or hug...ano naman ang apropriate action para sa "i give up"???

carpe diem

2005-02-28T20:06:00.000-08:00

how to give up...

2005-02-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

welcome.....me!

2005-02-24T16:18:00.000-08:00

hi...just want to welcome myself in this newest craze...well i think it's quite comforting to have an online journal where others could also get to know me..oh yes, you're all welcome. Way back i used to save journal entries on My DOcument because i was lazy to write...nakakangalay diba..saka sometimes i can't chase my thoughts kase sa dami ng naiisip ko at bagal ng sulat ko hindi ko na lahat nalalagay...so i guess this is better...

just wanted to share....i'm so glad to come back to this strange and unique home of mine....baguio....
so nice to see and be with these people again...
feel the chill knowing that around me are bodies all so willing t give warm hugs...(breathe deep) it's nice to be back...
it's not everyday that we are given the chance to go back....seize it

gotta finish this paper muna and enjoy this vacation.....nice to meet me!!!

die every day to be free -light and shade